Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
People in love make me want to vomit
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
