my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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