Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
