So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
