My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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