Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
