i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
