She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
