Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
