is your mom at the bar?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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