I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
