Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
