Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
be right there i have to get my cape
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize