Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize