i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
