Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
