miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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