she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
