I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize