textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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