If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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