im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
