Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
