I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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