Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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