that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize