Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
