Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
