I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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