Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
