You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
