I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
