How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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