How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
