So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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