My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
it's like heaven, but drunker
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
