dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
