i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize
