I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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