I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
