Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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