I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
