so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
