My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
