I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my sisters under your porch take her home
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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