well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
