Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
40s are totally the cure
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
