You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
