textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
