i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
