sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize