Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
