My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
