Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
vagina is talking i cant
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize