I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
