I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
