My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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