Slut skills are useful in every country.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
