Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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