So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
