So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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