Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
