I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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